The past 48 hours have been the most emotionally drained I have felt since the beginning of this journey. It's hard for me to even know where to begin, but I know I have to write out all my feelings write now or they are going to tear me apart inside. I feel like it's so hard to set realistic goals for what I want to be able to accomplish here because plans can so easily change, or materials are not available, etc. Like yesterday, we spent the morning continuing to make a map of the community in front of VS. At lunch we conducted our first ESL class for the adults of VS and it was great. They are very enthusiastic about learning and eagerly repeated the words and sentences we modeled for them. We decided to create a book of drawings and words for them so that each day we bring it to the work site they can have a chance to study the words. Our most effective method is showing them the picture, pronouncing the word, using it in a sentence, and repeating this about 3 times. We challenge them to practice using the English words during the afternoon when they are working or talking about something to eat since those are our two main themes thus far. Yesterday afternoon was great. We took about 5 of the kids to walk with us through the community and they were very entertaining as well as helped us fit in better while finishing our map of the community. So as far as that went, I felt fairly accomplished. In the early afternoon we returned to the house, cleaned up, and practiced making more tortillas and Honduran style veggies with a friend. The frustrating part arrives in the mid-late evening when we're trying to plan for the next day and realize they are more things on are to-do list than there are done. So much of the time is hurry up and wait, and we have so much to do, but yet it's more of an overall goal so much to do than it is a has to be done by tomorrow. I don't expect those reading to understand exactly what I mean, this is my most effective way of clearing my head.
Today's class went very well as we taught them the words for the kitchen. By class time we had finished a nice looking book and felt it would be very effective; everyone else also agreed. After the class, we went to the children's home "Nueva Esperanza" and wow was it rough. The first part was good because we went into the baby room and played with the babies as well as the little little kids. That was a lot of fun. I have a difficult time picking up any of the children just because I know as soon as I set them down they will cry indefinitely so I try to avoid that as much as possible. Not to mention that it just breaks my heart that these kids are just dropped off one day by their parents and may never know what it's like to be in a real home. After a while we went to visit one of the boys that I had met at the nutrition center that had now moved to the children's home. His change in behavior was so incredibly drastic, I could hardly believe it was the same child. He used to be so fun, polite, and full of energy, and today he was quite the opposite. The other kids kept saying that he was sick, but I don't really think he was I just think that the change in environment has affected him and he can no longer be his fun loving self....more to come in a couple hours....
As for the rest of the time it was rough...really rough. Going there I know that I'm about to encounter kids who have been abandoned, abused, and many of them have mental disabilities. But when I was there, it was hard for me to maintain the compassion that I aspire to have for them. The SHH staff told us it's going to take a lot of management skills, but I don't think anything can prepare you for the experience there. We attempted to have the children make fortune tellers. Many of them loved them, and played with them continuously during our time there. Others, were easily bored and found the nearest object to throw at us. Our folder of papers and supplies disappeared and later as we looked out the window we saw our book of drawings for the ESL class being thrown from the top of the playset outside. My heart sank. Not because of the book, but because of the situations and backgrounds that had brought these children to develop in the way they have. They see everyone as a threat and although we brought things for them to do they chose to ruin them instead. I can't wrap my mind around why. Whether they are so desperate for attention this is their way of getting it or simply because they have had no positive construction in their lives. We were literally locked in a room with these kids for an hour or more it seemed. The minimal staff at the center do the best they can, but the fact is there simply aren't enough to help maintain even a semi-normal or calm environment. As we attempted to recover the remnants of our book outside, I was overwhelmed with tears, and I'm not sure where they came from: the environment these kids come from, the isolation they must endure daily, the lack of attention, the daily struggle for survival, or the realization that this is the best they are going to get. I'm torn to pieces inside and many saw me crying. I tried to stop but it was just one of the moments where I was so overwhelmed about the reality of my role being here to help them and their role of being stuck in a cycle of hopelessness that I couldn't help but cry for them.
I hope that through my time here, I will be an example, a good example, and a positive role model even though they are incredibly misbehaved, we are here to show them kindness and care for them regardless of their background and behavior. This truly is a journey that I believe by the end will teach me countless lessons. My calling is to serve; that's why I'm here and in whatever opportunity I am given, I will do my best, but God give me strength to endure the days to come. They deserve a better life, and that's my prayer for them. Good night.
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